carousel
by Xiaolink Volumen
Summary: a carousel spinning calmly in the sky. it doesn’t seem like it’s going very fast at all, does it, precious? Really weird, Xemnas x Saix, oneshot


A/N: Okay, the "V For Vendetta" comic does weird things to my mind and muses. So don't blame me for the weirdness of this. I have no exact idea what the flying fuck this is about.

…I swear I wasn't tripping when I wrote this. Just so you know, the lack of capitalization in the italics/bold is totally deliberate. For the love of Bob, I wasn't tripping! I wasn't on anything but a ten-year-old office chair! TT-TT

-Carousel-

_**a carousel spinning calmly in the sky. it doesn't seem like it's going very fast at all, does it, precious? but if you spread your wings and fly up to it, you see it's spinning faster than anything ever could. right, precious? it's just a whirlwind of colour, floating up in the blue. but we don't have wings, do we, precious? perhaps if we spread our arms and flapped them like wings. maybe then we could reach it.**_

_A moan. A whimper, a pleading sound. A cry of pain. A fervent wish to be released, let go. An ardent desire for it to stop, for it to go away._

_**i see it perfectly, you know. i can't help but see it. flying over my head like an airplane, like a cloud, like a flying saucer. there's no way i can't see it, you know? it's ever there, ever floating, ever spinning. i wonder if anyone ever rides it, precious? i never see anyone on it, and i'm always staring at it.**_

_A small cry, a sob, another moan. A quiet prayer, stifled almost at the exact instant it started. More pain, more crying, more sobbing, more moaning. A sudden gasp of pain. Another pleading sound, this one weaker than the first._

_**someday, maybe you'll see it too. maybe someday you'll see the carousel flying high in the sky. or… maybe it'll be too dark and cloudy out. see, the clouds are building already. they're very dark clouds, aren't they, precious? do you wish you could see the carousel, precious? i don't think you do. i don't think you should. it might be too much, you know.**_

_And then…_

_Silence._

_No crying, no gasping, no moaning, no whimpering, no pleading, no sobbing, no praying. _

_No audio._

_No visuals._

_Only the feel of sandpaper against flesh._

_Only the metallic taste of blood. _

_Only the scent of death and darkness._

_**spinning, spinning, spinning, spinning. it's always spinning ever so fast, precious. but i'm going to catch a ride. i'm going to ride that carousel in the sky.**_

_Finally visuals again. Dark alley. Garbage bags. Some other fleshy thing against the wall. Brick wall. Stained wall. A pair of boots in the line of vision._

_The owner of the boots. Tall and strong-looking. Eyes hidden under silvery bangs. He offers a hand. Smack it away. Hands cannot be trusted. Hands hurt, hands hit, hands burn, hands hold things that slash and tear and rip and injure. Hands that grant scars shaped like 'X' between people's eyes._

_He bends down to look. Eyes can be seen, now. They're yellow. Yellow, gold, amber, anything else that means yellow. There's a strange look there. Don't know what it means. He reaches out. Holds on tight. _

_He doesn't leave. He stays. He's gentle, not overly kind, but not overly cruel._

_He's… compassionate? No. He's just… pitying. He pities._

_Still, he doesn't hurt. He… teaches._

_This touch is… not painful. It's… sort of… comforting. His hands around shoulders, not shaking them, holding them. Offering comfort. Trying to still them when the sobbing returns, this time with greater volume and urgency. His arms begin to symbolize comfort and peace, calmness and serenity, contentment. Warmth. Protection._

_He wants to give a name. But what name?_

_**do you want to join me, precious? do you want to join me on the carousel in the sky? yes? you do? good. hold on tight, now. don't wish to lose you on the way up, you know. don't worry, though. i won't let you go, precious. i'll hold on tight, and never let you go, and we'll ride that carousel together. **_

_**okay?**_

_**we'll go together…**_

…_**my precious… **_

"Saïx."

I looked up, vaguely regarding the one hovering above me.

"Xemnas," I replied. I would have liked to have said something more, but I couldn't. His lips were on mine and his hands were at my shoulders, and I could think of nothing else.

It's been like this for a while now. I know I don't love him. I don't have a heart, I don't feel. I know he doesn't love me. He doesn't have a heart either. Perhaps there could be a cruel mockery of feelings, but I know that's not there either. He doesn't remember love. Neither do I.

That said, we can't fake it. How do you fake something you don't remember?

Every night it's the same. We go to his room, we kiss, touch, unite… but it's all empty. It's all just acts. No reason. No method to the madness. He kisses me, I hold him close, he takes me, I don't resist. Sometimes it's the other way around. I think he prefers being the dominant one, because I can be… rather rough. But I never resist him.

Because being with him is like being on a carousel in the sky spinning out of control. There's no getting off until it stops, and it never stops. It spins so fast it makes you dizzy, but you can't get off. It still won't stop, no matter how dizzy you are.

And somehow I don't want it to stop.

_nanika ni michibikare, mori no naka o aruiteita osanai boku wa  
fushigi ni mo tada hikiyoserareru mama ni_

_hurui koya ni tsuita boku wa,  
hokori ni mamireta yokotawaru piero ni ki wo hikareru _

_kare wa kanashisou na... demo ureshisou na kao wo shite, "yashiki ni tsuretette" to  
namida o ukabe boku ni kakareta_

**led by something, i walked to the middle of the forest  
as if being drawn by a mysterious force**

**reaching an old hut, i am enchanted  
by the dust covered pierrot lying across on the floor **

**how sad he seems... yet with a happy face "take me to the mansion" he said  
with tears rising to my eyes I carried him in my arms**

**_"Gekka No Yasoukyoku"  
Lyrics by Gackt, music by Közi "merveilles"_**

-End-

A/N: Yep. Kinda weird, no? Yes… weird indeed… oh well. Anyway… I had just finished reading "V For Vendetta" when I wrote this. Took me all of an hour, too… anyway… in the back there's an Author's Note kinda thing, with original illustrations. One of them is of V and Evey watching dominoes fall with carousel horses hanging from the ceiling. Need I say more?

And as for "Gekka"? Somehow I thought it worked. (Shrugs) Yanno, it's really hard to write in such a way that you can't tell what the perspective is?

Oh yeah. If anyone finds it confusing, good. It's supposed to be. If you're so confused your head's spinning like Mana-sama, let me know and I'll… attempt… try… make a brave stab at… explaining. No promises, though.


End file.
